About 36 hours after my first date with Mr. Perceptive, I received this text message: Are you genuinely interested in a 2nd date? The reason I ask is it’s been very difficult to tell (I have no gift for reading minds). I know you were going to check your calendar, but you never followed up. If not, it’s totally cool.
Mr. Perceptive caught my eye because he was a good Southern boy with a very well-written profile. He had excellent grammar and a large vocabulary, which for me is attractive… (Fellow nerds, back me up on this one.) We corresponded back and forth over email for a week. His emails were thoughtful and deep but also funny. I was really excited to meet him.
For our first date we met for dinner on a Sunday night. He was tall and bit awkward. He seemed very young. He was clearly more comfortable with virtual communication than in-person conversation. He would talk for long stretches about one topic leaving little space for me to interject. Then he’d abruptly stop talking and sit in uncomfortable silence. But I chalked it up to nerves. Otherwise, he seemed nice…
As we exited the restaurant he asked when we might get together again. I told him I would be out of town the first part of the week. So we decided the following weekend might work and agreed to look at our calendars and talk later in the week. Then he abruptly turned and speed-walked to his car, leaving me standing on the curb thinking, “I guess the date has ended…”
Tuesday afternoon, I was in Tulsa in meetings, when I got a text.
Mr. P: Hey! How’s Tulsa? How’s your day?
Me: Hey! Tulsa’s good… Thanks!! How are you? [Side note: All texts and emails included in this post are replicated here exactly as they were sent. I’m telling you because you’ll ask later, “Is this for real?”]
Mr. P: I’m great! Lots of ‘feel goods’ today. Glad to hear Tulsa is good.
Me: What happened today that felt so good?
Mr. P: Just some good energy and internal realizations. Hard to explain. Don’t let me distract you from your Tulsa festivities. Although I do have a semi-serious question when you have time. [Hmmm… I’m in a meeting, but how serious a question could he have to ask?]
Me: Ask away!
Mr. P: Are you genuinely interested in a 2nd date? The reason I ask is it’s been very difficult to tell (I have no gift for reading minds). I know you were going to check your calendar, but you never followed up. If not, it’s totally cool. [Huh? It’s been less than two days since our date and we said we’d follow up later in the week… Geez, over-eager…]
Me: I’m interested in seeing you again. Yesterday and today have been crazy busy.
Mr. P: I understand. Let’s be completely open if you’re comfortable with that. From my perspective, vagueness in dating is perceived as being polite for non interest or worse, games. If non interest is the case, it’s totally cool, but I need to know so I can frame potential future communications from a possible friendship perspective. I like you, and I know we barely know each other at this point, and it may or may not develop into something, but I like brutal honesty and clarity in relationships, not a lack of open communication that leads to assumptions based on perception. [What the heck! Slow your roll. I met you online 9 days ago and met you in person 2 days ago. I don’t think its time yet for any kind of brutality.]
Me: I don’t disagree. However, it’s been less than two days since we went on our first date. I’m not trying to be vague. I enjoyed meeting you. I wouldn’t say at this stage that we are in a relationship and I can’t give you clarity.
Mr. P: [Reminder: This is a text message, you can imagine how many screens this took on my iphone.] Agreed. I think it’s a semantics issue with the term relationship. We’re not in a relationship (romantic), based on how you referenced it, as it’s just been 1 date and we barely know each other. I agree with that. In the earliest stages of dating, I think there has to be open communication to build a foundation of trust. Hiding feelings or intent (good or bad) doesn’t work from my experience. I require that in all of my relationships (I use “relationship” for friendships, family, coworkers, et al. I didn’t exclusively mean romantic.). I understand that you’re busy with work and life. I am too. I just wanted to open the floor to discuss. My perception since Sunday is that you don’t know if you want to continue getting to know each other as just friends or romantically (or neither, haha), which are all fair. I don’t know either, which is why I asked you out for a 2nd date. [Ex-squeeze me?!?! If you want to build a foundation of trust, don’t be an insecure weirdo hyper-texter. Prove you are trust worthy through your actions and over time as we get to know each other. You can’t build a foundation of trust in an instant and certainly not this way. I can’t deal with this right now, I’ve got to finish my meeting. I’ll email him later.] I put my phone in my briefcase and moved on with my day.
Later, I emailed him the following: I think it’s too early to be having deep talks about our relationship or the way we ought to conduct it. I don’t know why you keep saying it’s perfectly fine if I don’t want to see you again when I stated a number of times that I wanted to. I haven’t been “hiding my feelings” and I haven’t blown you off or been anything less than interested and willing to speak to/see you again. Until now. Your long involved texts about building a foundation of trust and your dictation of the things you require in all your relationships are just too much too soon. I enjoyed emailing with you the week before we met, but instead of easy and fun this became intense and dramatic. So I think perhaps we are better off not dating further.
Mr. P emailed the following manifesto in response: I appreciate your perspective. Thanks for sharing how you feel. I think we had a huge misunderstanding…I had no intentions of being dramatic or intense in my texts. I intended for them to be lighthearted, to open the door for an open and comfortable conversation. I’m sorry they were perceived in a different way and upset you. We could have easily talked through any confusion last night or today when you had time. To alleviate the confusion and clarify my intentions last night, I asked if you were still interested in a 2nd date because you had not followed-up on firming up a day/time when you would be available like we discussed Sunday night. I’m not assigning blame, just trying to illuminate the source of my confusion last night. I understand you were busy Monday, which is why I asked again last night. You answered that you were still interested in a 2nd date, but you avoided firming up a day/time again, which created the same mixed signals. I know everyone’s dating rules are different, but it’s commonly perceived as a bad sign if someone says that they’re interested in going on a date but avoids firming up when (how would you perceive it on the receiving end? flakey, right?). It leaves the impression that you have been put “on deck,” even if you’re both still texting/emailing each other. I’m not saying that was your intent, just how it could be perceived and how I did perceive it. Overall (regardless if it’s by accident), it’s not fair to the other person as he/she might be exploring other dating and social opportunities at the same time (early on in the dating process and amid a busy work schedule) and needs to be able to prioritize accordingly. I was making you a top priority in my schedule and trying my best to respect yours, but I didn’t sense the same in return (due to the lack of firming up when), which is okay, but it sends the wrong message. In summary, my goal last night was to confirm interest, alleviate the confusion described above (not create it), and firm up plans for a 2nd date, and I apologize that my texts were perceived as something completely different (based on your email that explores several things that were not implied, accurate, nor the intent). I tried my best to clarify this last night, but I obviously failed miserably, haha. I think you’re a lovely person, and I greatly enjoyed getting to know you better. I wish you the best in life and love.
As I read the last lines and set aside my computer, I took a deep breath, eyes wide. Wow! This guy had quite literally talked himself out of getting a second date. I felt like I needed a nap after reading that exhausting email. And I felt for him. It must be desperate to live inside his head. But I sure wasn’t going to stick around to find out.